This story is excerpted from The Other Side of the Middle: A Pennsylvania Dutch Story of Family Love.  An old Dutchman is describing the time his own father purchased one of the first Model T Ford automobiles in Berks County. He is speaking in the local Pennsylvania Dutch dialect, or as they themselves call it, "slangwitch."
    "In 1922 nine yeeahs olt I vass ven Pop a Model T Fowott Roatstah bought.  Da salesmun deliwers it.  On da bank beheint da barn he parks it, an aftah some conwersation, foah hundert dallahs Pop pays da guy.
    "I ast Pop if he knows hauw ta operate 'da machine.'  In dose days, dutchies calt da automobile a ‘machine.'  Anyvays, 'Yah,' Pop says, ‘da salesmun showt me hauw ta operate da machine ven I ordert it,’ an vith confidence he marches towott da Fowott.  My Olt Man nevah vass shoaht on confidence!
     "Pop graps a crank from undah da seat, and calls me ovah in front a da machine.  On a rott in front Pop schticks da crank an shows me hauw ta holt an turn it so’s not ta get my arm busted if da car voot backfiah and schpin da crank backvays.  Den, up in da drivah seat he hops an fiddles vith some levahs an yells 'crank her nauw.'  Did ya catch dat I sett ‘her?’  Besides beein ‘a machine,’ da automobile vass weiblicher.”
    The old Dutchman added, “Ya know, more like a voman den a man.”
    “Vell anyvays, ta ekshplain vott happens next, I gotta say da salesmun set da idle mighty high on dis heeah machine, an da verkins off da clutch an brake vere schtill a little new ta Pop.
    “Da car turns ovah an fiahs up at a fast clip, schkaren ewerybaudy, inclooten Pop, who pops da clutch ought ven he flinches.  I chump sidevays ought da vay, an da machine chumps, bucks, an shoots a couple backfiahs, but foah shuah commences ta go ahet, tort da bick second floah barn doah, vitch is shut.  Rememper dat ramp of dirt at back a da barn puts us on da second floah off da barn.
    “Nauw, Pop’s got plenty practice vith hoahses and vagons but not machines, so he schtarts ta shout 'vhoa, vhoa,' but da machine iknores him.  So he tacks on some cuss verts.  But schtill it keeps chuggin front vays.
    “Vell, da operation off da schteerin vheel is likevise new ta Pop, but on da concrete sight, he knows dat if he can turn da machine in a circle, it’s some eckshtra time he’d be buyin.  Vith a team a hoahses, ya yell 'haw' ven ya vant em ta turn left, an 'chee' ven it’s a right turn ya vant.  So Pop schtarts yellin 'haw, haw' and den 'chee, chee,' but vith no affect again.
    “By dis time da barn doah schtarts ta bow and crack, den 'blam,' da whole sing crashes dawn.  Verschlaage!  Knock ta pieces.  Schtill da machine keeps chuggin front vays ovah da busted doah.  'Vhoa, chee, haw' vee keep hearin, as Pop disappeeahs inta da dark barn.
    “A crash heeah an a crunch dayah, and da machine keeps goin.  Den, it groans and chucks hardah and hardah, pushin gainst dat front vall a da barn.  Again dayah's crashin and crunchin, and finally da motor schtalls, and da car schtops.
    “Moah light I notice dayah is in da barn cause a hole’s got pushed srew da front vall and da machine’s half vay ought da front sight a da barn, schtopped, but teeterin up and dawn.  Rememper, from da front a da barn, it’s da second floah vee’re on, so's a bick drop it is ta da ground.
    “Pretty qvick Pop recognizes dat ven he leans front, so does da machine, and ven he leans back, da back vheels go back dawn on da barn floah.  Vell, da tops dawn on da machine, so schlow but qvick Pop crawls owah da seat towott da back ent.  Ven schtandin on da back bumper he is, he vaits a second suschpectin dayah’s schtill unfinished possibilities dat he ain’t yet figert, but den he chumps dawn on da barn floah.  Like a seesaw, da back ent goes up.  Pop and me try ta grap it at dat point, but it’s got a headschtart on us.  It tips frontvays an disappeeahs.  Den dayah’s a bick crash an some crunchin an groanin dawn on da ground in front a da barn, and den qviet.
    “Dis brings Mum ought da haus, an a nuttah neighbah shows up.  Vee vass all glad Pop’s O.K.  He’s speshally glad.  Ewentually vee use da hoahses ta pull da Model T back on its vheels an find von a da barn cats smashed undahneath.  Dat vass da onley cashalty.
    “Next day, on a vagon goes da machine, an all da vay back ta da schtore vee pull it vith hoahses.  Da salesmun offahs Pop $50 foah da parts an metal, but Pop says 'put it on da price off a nuttah machine.'  Mum asks if he ain’t hatt his fill a machines, but he says 'dey ain’t goin avay, an if vee don't choin up, it’s beheint vee'll be left.'  So, ewentually vee vass von a da first families in da county ta own a machine.”
From  The Other Side of the Middle, A Pennsylvania Dutch Story of Family Love.  ©  2005 Ronald Ray Schmeck all rights reserved by the author.
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